what else is left?

Nothing in this world happen by chance.

Ever since that dreadful day, still, I can't make myself stand-up and be myself again. Although my friends tell me that it's all fine. But NO! It's not fine. There's no such thing as being fine, there's no such thing as doing it alright. So frail, but still, I'm not letting go.

I am lost, so lost... Of what? I'm lost of every little thing. I'm lost in a world where there's no where I can be found. Confined, stagnant in somewhere I can never be the same again. Everyday seems so slow now.. Unlike before, where days are like minutes that just slips too fast.

--

Don't rush back to the heaven where you belong
I know we'll be together someday
let's not rush this moment, don't let it fade away
It's raining again
It's coming back, it's coming back

The cold rainy month of july
I just wish that time would just stop to fly
So that we could be together you and I
Let's try, let's bring back july

I want to bring it back
You gave me the reason for me to wait
From that I realized that Ineed you
come back, come back
Hurry, I'm dying without you

My tears, it's not fading away
It's so cold, when will you come back home?

"break the glass!"

Again, taken from the novel By the River Piedra I sat down and wept. Here's a portion of the story na gusto ko ulit i-share. Wala lang, baka interested kayo.

Palitan ko nalang ng "me" yung main character, tapos syempre lalaki ako, kaya ung katambalan ko eh magiging babae na. Lmao!

I could see in her eyes the thousand of times that she had imagined this moment and the scenes she had constructed about us. I wanted to say that yes, she was welcome, that my heart had won the battle. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and how badly I wanted her at that moment.
But I was silent. I witnessed, as if in a dream, her inner conflict. I could see that she was wondering whether I'd reject her again, that she was thinking about the fear of losing me, and about the hard words he had heard at other, similar times -- because we all have such experiences, and they leave scars.
Hes eyes gleamed. She was ready to surmount any barrier.
I took one of my hands from hers and placed my glass of wine at the edge of the table.
"It's going to fall," She said.
"Exactly, I want you to tip it over the edge."
"Break the glass?"
Yes, break the glass. A simple gesture, but one that brings up faces we can't really understand. What's wrong with breaking an inexpensive glass, when everyone has done so unintentionally at some time in their life?
"Break the glass?" She repeated. "Why?"
"Well, I could give you lots of reasons," I answered. "But actually, just to break it."
"For you?"
"No, of course not."
She eyed the glass on the edge of the table -- worried that it might fall.
It's a rite of passage, I wanted to say. It's something prohibited. Glasses are not purposely broken. In a restaurant or in our home, we're careful not to place glasses by the edge of a table. Our universe requires that we avoid letting glasses fall to the floor.
But when we break them by accident, we realize that it's not very serious. The waiter says, "It's nothing," and when has anyone been charged for a broken glass? Breaking glasses is part of life and does no damage to us, to the restaurant, or to anyone else.
I bumped the table. The glass shook but didn't fall.
"Careful!" She said instinctively.
"Break the glass," I insisted.
Break the glass, I thought to myself, because it's a symbolic gesture. Try to understand that I have broken things within myself that were such more important than a glass, and I'm happy I did. Resolve your own internal battle, and break the glass.
Our parents taught us to be careful with glasses and with our bodie. they taught us that the passions of childhood are impossible, that we should not flee from priests, that people cannot perform miracles, and that no one leaves on a journey without knowing where they are going.
Break the glass, please -- and free us from all this damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.
"Break the glass," I said again.
She stared at me. Then, slowly, she slid his hand long the tablecloth to the glass. And with a sudden movement, he pushed it to the floor.
The sound of the breaking glass caught the waiter's attention. Rather than apologize for having broken the glass, she looked at me, smiling -- and I smiled back.
"Doesn't matter," shouted the waiter.

--

I just had the thought of sharing it, for what? Maybe for some that are afraid of something... Some that are no sure on what to do. Naapektuhan ako sa part na yan, there's so much in my life na alam kong mali ang nagawa ko. But it didn't make me fall, thus, I stood and faced more trials in my life.

recollection.

Picking up the scattered pieces of my life.

We had a recollection in our youth org., around 1:00pm. I came a bit late... Kasi nagising ako ng around 12:00noon. I was surprised kung sino pa ang gumising sa akin, it was my friend! Haha! Went inside my room and woke me up, then said "Hoy! Hindi ka ba mag a-attend ng recollection natin?" I hurried myself and told my friend that I'll jsut take a bath then go to church as soon as I make myself done.

Blah blah blah...

I arrived at the place around 2:00pm. Good thing the program had just started. Eheh.. Share share share... Err.. I'm not in the mood to write right now.. Kaya ganito ang pag sulat ko, waaa!

I got home around 7:30pm. Eheh...

AMF YAN, PALAGI NALANG AKO WALA SA MOOD MAG SULAT. SWT!

by the river piedra i sat down and wept.

The following things that are written on is taken from the novel "By the River Piedra I sat down and wept" by Paulo Coelho. About a girl named Pilar. I just had the thought of sharing this...



"But our having gone into the church really had been a sign -- that every story has a sad ending."...



"You saw only the sadness of the procession at the end. You forgot the happy moments you spent inside. You forgot the feeling that heaven had descended on you and how good it was to be expriencing all of that with your..."
She stopped and smiled.
"... Friend," She said, winking. "Jesus said, 'let the dead bury the dead' because he knew that there is no such thing as death. Life existed before we were born and will continue to exist after we leave this world."
My Tears filled with tears.
"It's the same with love." She went on. "It existed before and will go on forever."
"You seem to know everything about my life." I said.
"All love stories have much in common. I went through the same thing at one point in my life. But that's not what I remembered. What I remembered is that love returned in the form of another man, new hopes and new dreams."
She held out the pen and paper to me.
"Write down everything you're feeling. Take it out of your soul, put it into the paper, and then throw it away. Legend says that the River Piedra is so cold that anything that falls into it -- leaves, insects, the feathers of birds -- is turned to stone. Maybe it would be a good idea to toss your suffering into the waters."
I took the pages. She kissed me, and said I could come back for lunch if I wanted to.
"Don't forget!" She shouted as she walked away. "Love preserves. It's men who change."
I smiled, and she waved goodbye.

I looked out at the river for some time. And I cried until there were no more tears.
Then I began to write.

I wrote for an entire day, and then another, and another. Every morning, I went to the bank of the River Piedra. Every afternoon, the woman came, took me by the arm, and led me back to the old convent.
She washed my clothes, made me dinner, chatted about trivial things, and sent me to bed.
One morning, when I had almost finished the manuscript, I heard the sound of a car. My heart leaped, but i Didn't want to believe it. I felt free again, ready to return to the world and be a part of it once again.
The worst had passed, although the sadness remained.
But my heart was right. Even without raising my eyes from my work, I felt his presence and heard his footsteps.
"Pilar." He said, sitting down next to me.
I went on writing, without answering, i couldn't pull my thoughts together. My heart was jumping, trying to free itself from my breast and run to him. But I wouldn't allow it.
He sat there looking at the river, while I wnt on writing. The entire morning has passed that way -- without a word -- and I recalled the silence of a night near a well when I'd suddenly realized that I loved him.
When my hand could write no linger. I stoppped. then he spoke.
"It was dark when I came up out of the cavern. I couldn't find you, so I went to Zaragoza. I even went to Soria. I looked everywhere for you. Then I decided to return to the monastery at Piedra to see if there was any sign of you, and I met a woman. She showed me where you were, snd she said you had been waiting for me."
My eyes filled with tears.
"I am going to sit here with you by the river. If you go home to sleep, I will sleep infront of your house. And it you go away. I will follow you -- until you tell me to go away. Then I'll leave. But I have to love you for the rest of my life."
I could no longer hold back the tears, and he began to weep as well.
"I want to tell you something...," he started to say.
"Don't say a thing. Read this." I handed him the pages.

I gazed at the River Piedra all afternon. The woman brought us sandwiches and wine, commented on the weather, and left us alone. Every once in a while, he paused in his reading and stared out into space, absorbed in his thoughts.
At the point I went for a walk in the woods, past the small waterfalls, through the landscape that was so laden with stories and meanings for me. When the sun began to set, I went back to the place where I had left him.
"Thank you" was what he said as he gave the papers back to me. "And forgive me."
On the bak of the River piedra, I sat down and wept.
"Your love has saved me and returned me to my dream."

--

Maliit lang yan na portion ng story. I love reading the book... There's so much things na nakaka-relate ako sa mga nangyayari sa kanila.

my mind speaks.

The Girl I know:
Definitely a beauty. Mature in thinking but sometimes acts childish especially when you are in the mood of having fun. Intelligent, as what I’ve seen, in regards of her academic grades and standings. She has a mind of being creative, also has the humor. She's funny and easy to get along with. A bit spoiled.

In making friends with her, she's the type of girl that doesn’t do the 1st move. A bit snobbish but as you get to know her more deeper, you'll find out that she's the total opposite of what you've first expected. She's really a friend worth having. She doesn't like a person that pretends to be someone just to please someone. A straight-forward girl, full of determination on anything that she does.

In emotion... You'll find her a strong woman compared to other woman. She gives great advices when it comes to feelings for someone. It may be love, depression or whatever.. As long as it's a problem, she's always someone to count on to. But with that strong personality she has, still, she cries, she gets lonely like every human being does. When it comes to a relationship, she'll love that man whole-heartedly. Har har har!! That's why I’m so lucky i am that person. Haha!!
Has a mood swing, applies almost everyday. Sometimes you'll see her smile; sometimes she's not in the mood to do so. When she gets disappointed on someone or gets upset, she gets irritated easily to almost anyone she encounters with during that day. Afterwards, she also easily cools down with the proper comfort that you'll give. Words will do, but actions are better. Don't ruin her day, because once it's ruined, it goes until the end of the day. At the end of the day, she'll turn out to be fine, depending if what is done is severe or just a simple quarrel.

--

Yesterday was a mess, problems occured so fast that even I didn't noticed it. All hope was gone, still, I fight for what I know, for what I want to prove and to show.

Some question were asked to me -

Bakit mo ako mahal - Minahal kita kasi tinganggap mo kung ano at sino ako, minahal kita kasi minahal mo ako ng higit pa, minahal kita kasi kelangan kita, minahal kita kasi ikaw lang ang tao sa buong buhay ko ang naka unawa sa akin, minahal kita for ever little detail na nagawa mo sa akin, minahal kita sa attitude na meron ka, minahal kita sa kung sino at kung ano ka.

Mahal mo ba talaga siya - Oo, mahal ko siya, kahit pakiramdam nya na wala akong ginagawang effort sa kanya para mapakita ko ito, mahal ko tlga si karla kasi sya lang ang umuunawa sa akin at tinanggap nya mga kamalian ko. Tinanggap nya lahat pati na rin mga kagaguhan ko, pinakita nya sa akin na she's worth everything to me.

Mahalaga ba siya sa akin - Oo mahalaga siya sa akin, sa lahat ng ginagawa nya sa akin at pinapakita, naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal at pag-bibigay importansya nya sa akin... Ako naman tong si gago na wala akong ginagawa para mapakita ang kahalagahan ng tanging taong alam kong magpapasaya sa akin. Manhid nga ba ako? Iresponsable at walang kusa? Malamang oo, pero gusto ko ipaalam sa kanya na kahit ganito hindi naman igibsabihin nun ay nde na sya mahalaga sa akin, umaasa ako na sana maparamdam ko rin sa kanya na kung gano sya kahalaga sa akin.

Sino ba sya sa buhay ko - Siya ang dahilan ng pagkatao ko, sya nagbigay ng buhay sa nawawala kong pagkatao. Madalas pasaway ako sa mga bagay-bagay, pero kahit ganito ako, ang tanging alam ko si karla ang parte ng buhay ko, kahit 1 bwan lang kami nagkasama sa IRL, nde naging hadlang un para masabi kong sya ang buhay ko. Tinanggap nya ako bilang ako, kapalit nun, ginawa ko syang parte ng buhay ko...

Gusto ba ni Timothy na mawala ang babaeng ito sa buhay nya - Ayaw ko, nde ko kakayanin, alam ko ang mga sakit na dinadaanan ni karla sa buhay nya, alam ko ang mga nararanasan nyang hirap sa pag unawa sa akin. Alam ko nahihirapan sya sa pag intindi sa bawat action na ginagawa ko... Alam kong mahal niya ako, at ganun din ako.. Pero ayaw kong humantong sa punto na may bibitaw para lang mahinto ang isang bagay na sinimulan. Ang tanging alam ko lang kung bakit nde ko sya mapakawalan ay kelangan ko sya, di dahil sa kung anong bagay. hindi ako ang klase ng tao na tumitingin sa material o kung ano pang bagay na maaring makuha. Ayaw ko mawala si karla dahil mahal ko sya at alam kong marami pa akong maaalay na attention para sa kanya, madalas kasi nde sapat o wala akong nabibigay na kapalit sa mga sacrifices nya.

Anong nararamdaman mo kapag nalalaman mo ang mga sakripisyo niya sayo - I feel guilty, to the point na hindi ako makapag salita, kasi nde ako makapaniwala na ginagawa ni karla ang lahat ng ito para lang sa isang tulad ko. Oo alam kong tao si karla at marunong din syang magsawa at mapagod.Ganun din naman ako... Malaking sacrifice ang ginagawa nya para sa akin, and it's one thing na i am so much impressed on.. Wala pang taong gumawa ng ganito para lang sa akin... Sobrang thankful ko at GF ko sya.

Ano ang pwedeng magawa ni Timothy para maging okay ang lahat - If ever she will give me one more chance, kahit ilan ulit na nya akong binibigyan ng chance.. this time, ako naman ang mag papa ramdam sa kanya kung gano sya kaimportante sa akin.. Kung pwede lang sana... Tulad nalang nung nandito sya sa tabi ko. Kahit nasa taytay sya ay pumupunta ako para lang makita sya. Naalala ko, lalo na kapag nand2 sya sa QC sa bahay nila, after ko sa skul, madalas umaalis agad ako sa skul para maabutan ko siya sa bahay nila na tulog at gusto ko pag dilat nya nandun ako para sa kanya... Gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya ulit un, gusto ko ipakita na ako ang Timothy na mahal nya nun. Sobrang pagsisii ko at bakit ganito ang nagawa ko. Napaka tanga ko dahil nababaliwala ko minsan ang ginagawa niya.

--

Why am I sharing this stuffs? OMG!

i hate this day.

January 26, 2007...

a love in wait.

A poem I wrote for my gf, months ago..

Now, we're in a world of differences
The moon smiles on you, while the sun shines on me
At the moment you sleep, it's the only time I get to wake up
I say hello to a morningYou then say goodbye to a day
Seems like there's no chance for us to pause for a chat
But then, we managed to do so
Right now, we are adjusting in a world that's the total opposite of one another
We beg for our time for each otherWe try to communicate in any form
A chat, A Call or a simple sms will do
Some say that it's impossible for me to endure such waiting
Some say that we'll eventually be torn apart
The hell I care
No one's to decide on our futureNo one's to judge on our fate
I held your hand at the moment you left
I want to hold it again at the moment I return
Yes, we do quarrel at timesIt can't be denied
Mistakes we have doneStill we manage to fix some
Hate, you made me feelLove, still I give
Never ending apologiesNever ending tears
At the end, we both submit on falling inlove over again
The pain of loveSomething that's obtained when you truly fall deeply inlove
We swallow every pride we haveWe will give anything that we have
We will do anything that we can
Right now... Can you hear me screaming out your name?
The air that passes you byI just wish that it's my arms that wraps you
But then, all that I could do is close my eyes and think of you
There's always a presence of you right beside me
Even though I know that you are a thousand miles away
Everything will again happen...
It's just in a simple wait

monthsery.

Standing at the edge of the cliff...
And I'm ready to jump, ready to fall once more...


Lol! It's January 23, our 7th monthsery! Wohoooo! Lol, just shared it, ehehehe.... I got online around 12:00 noon early this day to have a chat with my Everything, talked about stuffs, about problems and made ourselves smile. Ahaha! Lmao, still, I'm not in the mood to write something that's long and formal to read.


Blah blah blah...





YESTERDAY: I've finally installed War Craft DOTA here at home! Wohoo~

DOTA. chat.

go get your knife and kiss me

YESTERDAY: Me and my friend playeds DOTA. Then I got online to have a chat with my GF. Our 7th monthsery is already fast approaching.. Huhu, it's been half a year now since I last kissed and held her hands. I miss her soo much!! :(

--

Err.. I'm not in the mood to write or tell stuffs about me today. T_T

jamming. my throat hurts.

weak body surrounded by bold words
destroying me, dishonesty

TODAY:
Jammed with my friends. Played cover songs from the bands like Typecast, ChicoSci and Urbandub. [ kulang kami kanina. 3 lang kami dapat 4 ]

Jammed Jammed Jammed till my throat hurt. Lol! I was the Vocalist and the proxy Bassist.

Ang hirap kumanta habang nag ba-bass amf yan! Mas oka pang mag gitara kesa mag bass while singing.

tiring day. i miss my everything.

I won't stop following you
Now help me pray for the death of everything new.

TODAY:
I got home from school around 7:00pm, so damn tired!! Then here at home I watched Jackass 2 and ate ate ate! Finally, I got to get online and check my friendster and update my blog!

Err... It's been almost a week now.. I haven't talked to my GF yet. I so damn miss her so much... :'c

Btw, finally, we named our band! Haha! Since 2004 we never had a band name, and now we named ourselves as Veronika Decides to Die. Taken from a novel Paolo Coelho wrote.

wtf. headache.

can't you see I'm dying now
I'm trying to rest here
let me be the failure that I've become
this paper is my deathbed
this pen will be my tears now
just keep on counting 'till I lose my breath

YESTERDAY:
I woke-up around 6:00am to get ready for school. Took a bath, dressed, and ate breakfast. I haven't slept that long enough to make my body endure the tiring day, so.. Here comes a headache! OMG! [ Umagang-umaga palang nun sakit na agad ng ulo ko. ] At school, I went to class still having the uncomfortable feeling, although I still made it 'till the end of the class period, my head really aches like hell! [ uminom na ako ng pain reliever sa school pero sumasakit parin. ] Still, trying to endure it, up until the time I could go home.

Around 4:00pm, finally! It's time to go home, on the way home I was like -- sleeping in the entire trip. Blah blah blah... *Snores* Blah blah blah...

@Home: I rushed myself to bed and took a nap. Before I knew it, it was already 7:00pm! WTF~

Ang tagal ko palang naka tulog! Amf yan, tapos meron pa pala akong assignment kaya ayun, minadali ko pang gawin... Nakakainis talaga.. Huhu...

TODAY:
I just ate breakfast, woke-up around 9:00am. Still sleepy but I need to get myself ready for school. Err.. Another boring day to endure. I wish that something exciting would happen today. Arrgghh.. I know! I'll watch Jackass 2 later after school. Waa! My dismissal is around 6:00pm today, huhu. I hate my sked this sem. [ Masyado ng late afternoon ung uwian eh. ]

feed my mind. school sucks.

Are you happy today?
Are you scared you might fall?

YESTERDAY:
Need to pay my school bill so that I could go attend my class, good thing my neighbor and a good friend of mine is also studying in the school I'm entering into. He has a car... Having a friend that has a car only means one thing -- and it's a FREE RIDE!! Haha! Btw, my I'm currently enrolled at AMA Computer University in Proj. 8 QC. Blah blah blah...

AT SCHOOL: It's payment day and classes has started a week ago. [ Ngayon lang ako nag bayad at pumasok! ] Rushed myself so that I could still catch-up for my class later that day.

Blah blah blah... Lessons and more lessons... In short.. BORING!

Anyways, a blue paper posted at the bulletin board of our school got my attention. As I read that paper, I then found out that the school magazine/newspaper org. is looking for new members and stuffs, Errr... I think our school mag/paper is named DATALINE. I got interested immedietly 'coz I'm a frustrated writer! Waaa! LOL! Although my grammar and english sucks! Haha!

I went home about 6:00pm. Called up some friends using the landline and had some chat, I told them stories like... How boring school is! Haha! I slept around 1:00am, guess I enjoyed myself watching Casino Royale.

religious?

"Live in lies, we stormed upon the darkest moment we possessed. We live today, we penalize the very meaning of this life."

Yesterday was sunday, and it was CHURCH DAY!! Wooo~ lol! I was late for the Youth Mass yesterday. That's why I wasn't able to participate in the Church Choir. Accompanied by my mother, both of us just stayed at the near entrance of the church -- just stood there and prayed. [ As if I was praying too. Lol! ] Errr... Have I told you guys that I am part of the organization formed by some youth in the church? Haha! I joined the P.Y.M. Stands for Parish Youth Ministry. I'm quite active in that org. Err.. One main reason is because of the members... HAHA!!

Anyways, the mass ended and it's meeting time! [ Our org meeting ] We have a meeting every after youth mass, to discuss on things on what to do to help the church and stuffs. The Sinakulo is fast approaching, and the core group is searching for who's to pick and to be given a role for the said event. Last year, I won the Best Actor Award. LOL! Haha! WTF~ Best actor? Me? Haha! Funny and surprising but TRUE! Haha! Being the best actor, there's a big possibility that I'll get one of the major role, that's why I'm a bit nervous. :'c Huhu...

I checked the time... It's already 7:20pm!! WTF~! The Chicosci Live Jamming Session in 88.3 (Radio Station) Has already started. F*ck! I was like, I've been waiting for that a week ago! The meeting hasn't ended yet... And I'm really getting irritated on what's being discussed... I WANNA LISTEN TO THE RADIO!! "This really sucks." I said to myself, pertaining to what is happening to me. Anyways, can't do anything to listen to Chicosci, so, I just diverted my attention by talking to my seatmate. While having a chat, my friend Jay Jay invited me to accompany him to get some developed photos at Circle C. I then said yes!

Fast forward... Finally, the meeting has ended and we began walking out of the formation hall, waited for a tricycle to ride going to Circle C. In the mall, we immediately went to where we should be. Blah blah blah... Minutes passed... Blah blah blah...

Someone called my in my cellphone, it was a friend of mine. She was like, "Why are you not replying in my messages for you?" Then I said; "Err.. I've got no load, sorry." Then whooalla! She was so kind that she gave me some load for me to text her. Thank you!! Wee~ Haha!

Me and my friend went home after doing his errands, I got home around 9pm I guess... Blah blah blah blah blah! I slept around 2:00am in the morning 'coz me and my father had some chat about life and stuffs.

still not sleepy.

"the lies, the sound it's growing louder. were you wishing i would die tonight? My back -- the color crimson, honey please, the crime wasn't mine." - Knives, Chicosci

--
Still can't make myself sleepy. Err, i drank like a gallon of coffee 3hrs. ago, maybe that's why i'm still alive and kicking! Haha!

So bored, so i just popped a CD and played it. Haha! i'm so into ChicoSci right now, their music is soo addictive. lol! [ trip ko ung type of music nila eh. ]



Haha! You could check their music at www.myspace.com/chicoscikills

i'm such a noob.

What did the devil made me do? What's with my blog title? Who's the devil?

--

Err... Got nothing in mind to post right now. It's 1:00am! And still, I'm not yet sleeping or should I say... I'm not yet sleepy. Haha! Anyways, I enjoyed my day. Jammed with friends, and finally.. I started to skate again.

Hmm, this is also my 1st post here in my new blog. Err.... I'm really not good in english, nor telling stuffs about me. Haha! Btw, what's with the
"the devil made me do it." blog name? lol, even I don't know what the devil made me do. It just popped out my mind then... whooala! There goes my blog title.

Blah blah blah...