my senseless mind speaks.

Clouds are made to delay the start.

Again, I'm writing something that I myself don't know if there's sense on this stuff that I am now doing. It jsut came up to my mind that I then had the interest on writing something eventhough I don't have not much to talk about. I'm now here, sitting infront of my PC having so much words jumbled up my mind, still, I can't make a concrete topic of what I want to talk or to discuss about. Anyway, here goes nothing...

It's a bit funny how poeple try to hide their true feelings, for what? Is it because of pride? I myself don't know. Maybe it's the human's defense mechanism on how to protect whatever they want to protect. Lmao. Even I in some cases hide what I truly feel. Sometimes, when I am upset, feeling down or not approving on something, I do the same thing. I try to be all fine and stuff, trying to be invulnerable. Why? Because I am afraid of what others might say. I deny, a self-confessed denial king maybe. Hahah!

Anyways, I don't know... Now, I don't have any words in my mind to write. Sometimes, I see poeple trying to prove something, trying to show something that in reality... They're just fooling themselves on what they are doing. It's just like making someone envy you or, making someone get intimidated by your presence or by what you are doing. To be honest, I don't really care on what the hell they're doing on their lives. It's their life, not mine. If they see themselves as a pig. Then, so be it. If they think that I'll give a damn on what they want to prove, well, I don't. There's so many things in life that has more reason to tackle on, and not just show-off. Haha! Lmao.

If someone is trying to pull me down, then, I'll do the same... Eheh, hate me. Curse me, I don't care. It just shows how important I am to you that you'll do anything just to make me feel that I am wrong. If the world is just flat, I guess you had pushed me towards the edge and now I'm clinging on for my survival just for me to continue on living. Well, guess what... I've made a new world of my own. Far more beautiful than what it was before. Nah... What I've just said was so plastic. Haha!! Ofcourse, there's a part of me wanting to still live in a world that I got used to. But... How? Now that the end has started a new. To adapt, to be part of something new is my goal now. To be someone that's far beyond from who I am before. Argh. Err.. What am I saying? LOL!

Anyway, I'm not mad or anything, I'm just bursting out some scrambled thoughts in my mind. I just can't put my thoughts together that much, maybe that's why I write this way... OMG! I think like shit. My mind is full of confusing, unlogical, senseless thoughts that anyone who will read this would just laugh. HAHAH!

Blah blah... Hahah!

tired from last night.

I find peace when I'm confused.

Last night, Febuary 24 was the JS Prom of my friend. Haha! I was the one who escorted her in her prom. Lmao! Lucky me! Woot~ Dance, dance, and never ending dance.... It was like, I was the one who's celebrating the JS Prom that evening. 'coz I was like--welcome in their society. Err.. Hahah, nah.. Maybe it's because I knew several people in th Prom... I really did enjoyed th night. I also met countless new friends and even had a chance to be with them after the prom. :)

After the Prom: We went to greenbelt, tambay sa Figaro and had a nice, enjoyable chat with new friends! Eheh... Wee~ Got home around 3:00 in th AM! Haha!

Blah blah blah... :)

yah. whatever.

It's just a waste of time.

Argh... It's been days since my last update. btw, what's with the title? Haha! Err.. It's nothing, I'm just a bit irritated 'coz of the heat. Argh!!! It's so freakin' hot.

Saturday is fast approaching and I'm excited. Haha! Why? Because I'm an escort for a JS Prom. Eheh... Never did I imagined that after graduating from high school, I'd still have the oppurtunity to attend an occation like this. Haha! It's my 5th time, by the way. Haha! Oh yeh!

emo-looks, emo posers.

Believe me, you guys suck.

Haha! Natatawa ako eh, kasi kahit saan ako tumingin makikita mo yung mga taong one-sided-long-haired-pilit-na-ginagaya-si-rizal hair style. I really don't get the point of others posing and making their image like that and they call themselves as EMO. Haha, it really sucks.

If you guys think that your cool looking that way. Well... YOUR NOT! Ahaha! Para sa akin, meron binabagayan ang ganun porma, nde naman kasi porket uso eh sasabayan nyo na. Haha!

Trying-hard. I pity those na exagged na kung mag damit ng ganun. I'm saying this because nakaka irita na ng mga naka ganyang porma. Pero, it doesn't mean that I hate emo music. Ganung type of music panga tinutugtog namin eh. Pero pumorma ng ganun? HELL NO! Haha!

an invitation.

Go get your knife and come in.

Last week, I got an invitiation to attend a JS Prom this coming Febuary 24 2007. That will be held at Intercon Hotel.

This is my fifth time to attend a JS Prom... Haha! Free foods again! Lmao!

btw, it's Valentines day!

on a high.

lmao. What's with the title? Haha!

It's been a while since I last updated my "senseless and full of typo-error" blog. Haha! Got not much time to go OL. :( Huhu.. It's exam week and I really need to study...

Anyways, let me shere to you guys what happend to me this past few days.

Friday - I met a good friend of mine at SM Mall of Asia. Around 4:00 in the p.m. With some of her friends, we strolled the mall for hours... Finally, we got bored and decided to go elsewhere.

The only place in mind that's near MoA was Star City. Haha! Woot~ Quite exicted because its been a while since my last visit there. LOL! [ Taga manila ako pero bihira lang ako pumunta sa Star City ] I'm not really fond of going to amusement parks. Why? Because I easily get dizzy. Haha! But, I really enjoyed it. Hmm... Bonding bonding... Blah Blah Blah...

To cut it short... I so much enjoyed their company! ^^ Thanks!

Saturday - After school, my ate asked me if I wanted to accompany her to shangri-la--to meet some friends of hers. I then said YES!

I know no one there, that's why I easily got out-of-placed. Good thing... Some of her friends gave me some attention and it turned out to be that they were really friendly--unlike what I've first thought.

Right after the meeting at Shangri-la, they decided that we'll go somewhere. To enjoy, to relax. The place was..... MALATE! Woot~ [ Akala ko sa Lovapalooza event. /yuck ] Ahah!

In malate, we went bar hopping.. Common Ground, Comboy Grill, and some bars that I've already forgot the name. Haha! We were like... Here... There... Here... There... Haha! No permanent bar to stay in. From Adriatico - Nakpil. Haha!

We went home around 4:00 in th a.m.

Sunday - It's church day... Though I still wasted from what happend last night, still, I tried to get up. My father asked me if I could accompany them going to Greenhills & Antipolo. I said no. Haha! Boring! [ kasi kasama nila yung grat grand lola ko and ung lola ko ] Err... I don't want to be with some senior citizen. Haha! lmao! So, I stayed home and waited for thr Youth Mass.

Blah blah blah...

After the Youth Mass, we had our meeting. Talked about the plans for the upcoming Sinakulo... Blah blah blah... Talk, talk and non-stop talk.

I got surprised that we have a gift giving. Valentines party? Haha!

Err.. Blah blah... Short cut...

I recieved 3 flowers, an origami, chocolates, and a card. Woot~ Each of those came from different poeple. hah! Woot~ they love me!

life is beautiful

Truly it is.

Weeks of sadness, weeks of thinking, and weeks of not being me. Finally, I'm starting to feel alive again. I've became a wanderer, a stray. But now, with the help of my friends and of course by myself, I've managed to adapt on everything that's happening.

How? I began to accept reality, accept the fact that everything has an end, and nothing truly is permanent in this world.

There's no sense on being down on everything that's not going right. I just think that--everything that happens has a reason.

Life has its ups and downs. All we have to do is to ride with it.

tired but not yet sleepy.

The day has died and so as life.

Argh. It's already past 1:00am still, I am wide awake. Although I've done numerous activities this afternoon. Still, I am not that sleepy.

I started my day early. Woke-up 8:00am, made myself ready then I went to school. Aafter that, me and my bandmates jammed at Red Demien (Behind Colegio De San Lorenzo). A think we finished our session around 7:00pm.

We were not in the mood to play. Dunno why. maybe because all of us haven't eaten our lunch yet. Haha!

Blah blah...

Got home, then I rushed myself in the kitchen to indulge myself on foods! Haha! Watched TV, turned on the computer then surfed. Haha! Up to now I'm still glued in my chair and can't make myself crawl to bed. Haha!

Anyways, I really need to sleep now... Arrgghh!! Still, I have classes tomorrow.

negativity.

i'm a failure in a world so pure
an act of being selfish i showed to you
i began to create a world that's cruel
i saw change in my dream
but nightmare woke me

something in me won't release me
maybe things are meant to be
an act of negativity
a cruel way of punishment done by me

i sobber on something that i laugh on to
as i try to leave the same thing comes to me
repetition of an act unpure
uncureable disease is starting to kill me

--

BORING DAY...
I'm tryong to cope in everything that's happening.

Yeah! I know. It is my fault.

melancholy

save me from myself.

mel·an·chol·y
n.

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom.
2. Melancholia.

--

How could this be cured?

what makes a person hate themselves?

Taken from the novel Veronika Decides to Die. A story about a woman who attempted to commit suicied. Just wanna share this part.





"What makes a person hate themselves?"

"Cowardice, perhaps. Or the eternal fear of being wrong, of or not doing what others expect. A few moments ago I was happy,I forgot I was under sentence of death; then, when I remembered the situation I'm in, I felt frightened."

The nurse opened the door, and Veronika went out.

How could she ask me that? What does she want, to understand why I was crying? Doesn't she realize I'm a perfectly normal person, with the same desires and fears as everyone else, and that a question like that, now that it's all toolate, could throw me into panic?

As she was walking down the corridors, lit by the same faint light as in the ward, Veronika realized that it was too late: She could no longer control her fear.

I must get a grip of myself. I'm the kind of person who sticks to any decision she makes, who always see thing through.

It's true that in her life she had seen many things through to their ultimate consequences, but only unimportant things, like prolonging a quarrel that could easily have been resolved with an apology ,or not phoning a man she was in love with simply because she thought the relationship would lead nowhere. She was intransigent about the easy things, as if trying to prove to herself how strong and indifferent she was, when in fact she was just a fragile woman who had never been an outstanding student, never excelled at school sports, and had never succeeded in keeping the peace at home.

She had overcome her minor defects only to be defeated by matters of fundamental importance. She had managed to appear utterly independent when she was,in fact, desprately in need of company. When she entered a room everyone would turn to look at her, but she almost always ended the night alone,in the convent, watching a TV that she hadn't even bothered to have properly tuned. She gave all her friends the impression that she was a wman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created of herself.

Because of that she never had enough energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy. But other people were so difficult. They reacted in unpredictable ways, they surrounded themselves with defensive walls, they behaved just as she did, pretending that they didn't cared about anything. When someone more open to life appeared, they either rejected them outright or made them suffer, consigning them to being inferior, ingenuous.

She might have impressed a lot of people with her strenght and determiniation, but where had it left her? In the void. Utterly unknown. In Villete. In the anteroom of death.

Veronika's remorse over her attempted suicide resurfaced, and she firmly pushed it away again. Now she was feeling something she had never allowed herself to feel: Hatred.

Hatred. Something almost as physical as walls, pianos, or nurses. She could almost thouch the destructive energy leaking out of her body. She allowed the feeling to emerge, regardless of whether it was good or bad; she was sick of self-control, of masks, of appropriate behavior. Veronika wanted to spend her remaining two or three days of life behaving as inappropriate as she could.

At the moment she hated everything: herself, the world, the chair in front of her, the broken radiator in one of the corridors, people who were perfect, criminals. She was in a mental hospital, and so, she could allow herself to feel thing that people usually hide. We are all brought up only to love, to accept, to look for ways around things, to avoid conflict. Veronika hated everything, but mainly she had hated the way she had lived her life, never bothering to discover the hundreds of other Veronikas wh lived inside her and who were interesting, crazy, curious, brave, bold.

How could I hate someone who only gave me love? thought Veronika, confused, trying to check her feelings. But it was too late; her hatred had been unleashed; she had opened the door to her personal hell. She hated the love she had been given because it had asked for nothing in return, which was absurd, unreal, gainst the lwas of nature.

That love asking for nothing in return had managed to fill her with guilt, with a desire to fulfill another's expectations, even if that meant giving up everything she had dreamed of herself. It was a love that for years had tried to hide from her the difficulties and the corruption that existed in the world, ignoring the fact that one day she sould have to find this out, and would then be defenseless against them.

--

Sana pinag tyagaan nyo basahin. Eheh, la lang.. Maganda sya promise!

still not myself.

Am i too late?

Just got home around 4:00pm. Still, I'm in a down feeling.

Not feeling okay. I think I'll gonna vomit.

Help me pls.